doug nelson: DISENGAGE!

Browsing the AOL Search Database sounded like it was going to be fun, but ended up an eerie experience on par with the first viewing of PostSecret. This time, though, it’s not voluntary information: These aren’t the semi-hip, I-wanna-see-my-postcard-online net denizens who we’re used to seeing confessions from; these are the scared, the up-late, the addicts, the shut-ins. The Database is, of course, a massive mistake on AOL’s part, but for its browsers, a rare look at what people would never tell each other. In some cases, it even seems to show what people are unable to admit to themselves (the interspersing of items like “family life,” “pool for kids,” “church in my town,” and “jessica simpson with a horse” is amusing at first, but after a while, boggling in its regularity).

Mele and I, like a lot of people these past few days, have been searching it for the real goldmines: Stories. Despite the often speculative and incidental nature of searches (”How to drive a stick” looks an immediate request, but could actually have been a bored search while considering a car purchase), it’s so tempting to pare them into the items like the following half-truth, half-embellishment stories.

AOL’s release of this information is, I suppose, well-meaning. But their total lack of foresight is deplorable, and the information is nearly unusable anyway (as you’ll see in these snippets, AOL’s mysterious search/URL/keyword bar is viewed by users as a magic 8-ball, a help desk, a counselor, and a complaint department all in one).

WARNING: Some of the following search paths are offensive, and even more are quite depressing. If you don’t want to read this material, then just don’t. Additionally, I want to note that these are not intended as mockery, and aside from commentary, should be interpreted simply as artifacts I found in the database.

1.
pokemon sex
inuyasha is cheating on kagoma
pictures of real unicorns

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2.
how destroy demons that live in apt above
is buddism satanism
is hip hop and rap music a form of satanism
are [racial slur] satan or demons or gremlins
killing voyeur neighbors who are satanic cult mem
are black college grads undesirable
old russian nuns for sex
describe the kind of music used for abs exercise

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3.
drinking alcohol in the morning
drinking 5 drinks a day
buy syringes without a prescription
heroin compared to methadone
heavy drinking and smelling like alcohol
alcohol seeping out of facial pores
alcohol smell coming off of a person strongly
whole body smelling of alcohol
where to buy steroids from
possession of morphine

(Note: This user made 838 searches about escalatingly-dangerous prescriptions drugs, and almost nothing else. Their searches for and participation in online AA and NA support groups are scattered throughout, followed up minutes later by searches for Oxycontin.)

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4.
ford in dash 6 disc c d player
problems with ford c d players
idle air control valve
ford f150 sliding rear window rattles
ford rear window noise
do it yourself divorce
ford racing f-cam
1993 zx6 motorcycle bolts
5.0 aluminum drive shaft
how to cheat and not get caught
dff road pipe
motorsport suspension
cobra upper & lower intake
extreme pain left abdomen that comes and goes

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5.
lord’s prayer translated from irish gaelic
pronouncing the lord’s prayer in irish gaelic
intercessions for st. patrick
holy thursday
prayers for st. patrick’s day
franciscan friars of the renewal order
signs a priest is attracted to you

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6.
why do stay at home mothers get no respect
what does invalid system disc mean
what is the difference between a maid and a housewife
can a headstone be reposesed
what happens when a funeral has not been paid for
i’m burned out being a stay at home mom
easy easter crafts for children
what is the difference between a cd r and cd rw
why do parenting books set you up for failure
why am i always tired
my husband takes off for days at a time drinking then his sister tells me he needs a break
how to be a good parent when one parent does all the work
people without children just don’t understand
i’m so tired of my sister-in-law acting like she knows it all
im so tired of being a mom all the time
im so tired of being a mom all the time
im so tired of being a mom all the time
my 4 year old tells me he hates me

(Note: This one has several dismal subplots, including an abusive toddler that injures a kitten, a neighbor who loses a child, and a mysterious cigarette burn to a child’s eye. Dear 2252555, I hope things get better.)

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7.
why did rush limbaugh’s parents name him rush
how does sunlight affect schizophrenics
what is the difference between schizophrenia & schizoeffective disorder
why do i have constant music in my head
why has the dark side shut me out
where do i join the dark side
meaning of visions in my head when i close my eyes
in the movie ‘empire falls’ why didn’t ed harris ever tell his brother who his real dad was

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8.
buddy view
buddy view
i accidentally closed my buddy list. what do i do
im help
im settings
preferences
www.google.com

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9.
jacuzzi hotels
cabins in [deleted] county
holiday inn express
how to deepen your relationship
how to write a sexy letter
how to talk dirty
gifts for him
does he love me
how to keep him interested
how to keep him interested
how to appear elusive
how to keep him attracted
how to keep him interested
what to do when he says you’re smothering him
he says he loves me but it’s over
i’ve committed adultry and need help
ending an adulterous affair

neglect of a wife

(Note: These searches were made over the span of a month, with the climax occurring over a single weekend. Additionally, these searches contained enough information to potentially identify both parties involved. Dear AOL: I hope they sue you for a billion dollars.)

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10.
does the grease called wave and groom give you good waves
how do people get good fresh waves
how do i get waves
how do i get waves in my head
how do people get waves in their head
which is the best grease for me to get good waves
which is the best wave grease to use
how can i get a girlfriend
how can i get myself from being ugley
why am i so ugly

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11.
how do we give meaning to sex
apathy among teenagers
inspiration for teens
center for adolescent health promotion
depressed about raunchy society
depressed about raunchy society
disappointed in human society

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12.
bikinni
sexy feet
big sexy breast
jessica simpson in a bikini
newsboys
best mama jokes ever
taz fliping someone off
how can i tell if i am a blood or a crip
giving head
getting head
getting head sexually
getting head from a hot girl
how can i delete my history on aol